Last Christmas by Wham!

I hate this song. I hate it enough to blog about it.  It is, quite possibly, the worst song ever written on many levels.

Ok, so I'm not a composer, myself, so I cannot judge the quality of the composition, or the music, etc. blah, blah.  What I am, however, is a listener.  A consumer, if you will.  Therefore, I believe I am qualified to judge the quality of the song based on my opinions, my tastes, and - frankly - the crappiness of the song.

Let me give you the first verse/chorus:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, You gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

First line: Ok, ok... so far, so good.  Nothing terribly original, but nothing overly dumb, either.

Second line: "... the very next day you gave it away..."

What?

I gave you my heart and then you gave it away?  How exactly does that work?  My understanding of metaphor would suggest that to give away ones heart would mean to fall in love and commit oneself to another.  So, if I fall in love and commit myself to somebody - give them my heart - just how, exactly, do they "give it away"?  Even if that were possible, wouldn't it suggest that the recipient of said heart just transferred the "gift" to another, so now somebody else had the giver's love and commitment?   In which case, what does that person care?  They are still in love and committed, just to somebody else.

Ok, clearly transference of another person's love is not actually possible.  So the song just insulted me by saying something stupid and expecting me to think "wow... that's clever!"

Line three:  Nothing inherently wrong with this line, though it is verging on trite.

Line four: "...I'll give it to someone special..."

Huh... so last year you gave it to someone you didn't think was special? Why would you have done that?  Why would you still be all hurt and upset and grudge-bearing about it a whole year later if the person you gave your heart to wasn't special?

Later in the song it goes: "...I thought you were someone special..."  So clearly, you did think they were special last year.  Based on the quality of the lyrics so far, and the fact that you're clearly still pining for the person you're singing this to, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your judgment hasn't really cleared up all that much, and whoever you give your heart to this year will be just as "special" as last year's recipient.

On top of that, didn't you already say that this person "gave it away"?  So in order for you to give it to "someone special," you're going to have to track down the person who has it now, and take it back from them.

Worst of all, and this is arguably a good thing about the song, it has a catchy tune.  It gets stuck in your head and you can't get it out.  In some ways this is exactly what a song should do, if it's a good song.  Unfortunately, far too often, songs that get stuck in your head are horrible, so it becomes a form of torture.

What I really don't get is why this song has been covered by at least a half-dozen artists since Wham! released it in 1984.  The song is terrible.

It's not even a Christmas song!  It's a song about lost love and heart-break.  It uses "Christmas" as a setting, not an event, or anything.  Christmas songs are about the Savior, the season, the weather, or even about Christmas parties. 

Also, I couldn't get it out of my head last night.  Fell asleep with the song still repeating on that chorus.  Woke up in the middle of the night from a... not a nightmare, per se, but a bad dream in which everything in the dream was dependent on these lyrics being lobbed back and forth across the sky from giant trebuchets playing an immense game of jai alai.

After waking up, I tried replacing the song by singing different Christmas songs to myself.  Turns out all the good ones were in hiding and I ended up getting other annoying songs stuck instead (Jingle Bell Rock and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, for example).

Around 8:00 am Last Christmas returned and has been with me ever since.  Even with other music playing.  It's awful.  Anyway, I figured if I can't rid my brain of the pain, I might as well share it.

A Loss for Words

With Regard to Ir-

English is a difficult language, American English in particular. It is particularly difficult for people learning English as a second or third language; it is even more difficult for them when those of us who speak it as a first language ignore or simply don’t bother learning the rules ourselves.

This blog is going to be a rant. A personal, angry tirade against the misuse of words simply because of the lackadaisical way we Americans treat the English language. Enough is enough. Let us be proud of our language enough to at least learn when it is appropriate to adulterate it, and when it is not.

Sometimes, when people chuckle, they also snort. This leads us to a natural combination of the words chuckle and snort: Chortle. I believe it was Charles Dickens who gave us this word (interestingly, a similar combination of his names gives us Chickens, though I doubt that is where this word came from).

When people become flustered, they also often become frustrated, hence we have the obnoxious, yet reasonable word flustrated.

The above two paragraphs are indications of situations where it is acceptable to adulterate the language. I will now provide an instance of when it is not.

Regardless:

Adj. Having or showing no regard.

Adv. Without concern as to advice etc.

Idiom. In spite of, without regard for.

Irrespective:

Adj. without regard to something else.

As you can see from the similarities of the definitions of these two words, it should be reasonable to combine them to create a new, more powerful, all-inclusive word: irregardless.

But it is not reasonable to do so.

The prefix ir- denotes opposition. It is similar to the prefixes un-, ex-, dis-, and de-. Consider the word responsible: Attach the prefix ir-, and suddenly the word irresponsible stares us in the face. If I tell you that I was too lazy to make oatmeal and instead fed my 2 year old a hot fudge sundae Pop-Tart for breakfast, all joking aside, would you think I was being responsible or irresponsible?

You begin to see the power of the prefix ir-. I call it an oppositizer.

By the rules, irregardless cannot be a combination of regardless and irrespective, as it is the opposite of these words. Note that irrespective iteself starts with ir- and is therefore an opposite of its root word respective. Thus irregardless is synonymous with respective, and therefore, opposite of irrespective, and therefore mathematically proved as an opposite to regardless.

What an awful paragraph that was. I hope you all made it through safely.

Sadly for me, the word irregardless has been misused so often and by so many people that it has actually been added to some dictionaries as a synonym to regardless. This despite the fact (regardless of the fact) that they are essentially polar opposites of one another.

Intelligent people with whom I’ve had this or similar conversations have often used the generally legitimate argument that “language is always evolving” and that as long as the person speaking is understood by his intended listeners, then it doesn’t matter if the words used are the correct words or not. Successful communication has taken place.

While technically true, it shows a deep disrespect for the mechanics and the very intelligence which allow human language to exist at all. If we fall back on the lazy argument that “well, you understood me from the context,” we might as well go back to grunts and growls to get our point across.

It reminds me of a lamely humorous thing my cousins and I used to say when we were in Middle School: The word dude can mean anything you want, depending on how you say it. It is all about inflection, and facial affectations.

In many ways, that’s all language is: inflection and affectation. But it has evolved to be so much more than that, so much more reliable, precise, and indicative. While inflection and affectation remain important, indeed core, functions of language, we have specific words with specific meanings in order to more effectively transmit the information we need to convey. We have words which represent inflection and affectation in order to express these functions of language via the written word.

Who among us hasn’t secretly cringed a little at a friend, an acquaintance, a sibling, or a parent when we heard them say something like, “We was there an hour early.” Or “I seen them coming a mile away.” In the first case, “was” is a conjugation of the verb “to be,” and therefore correct… and yet still very much incorrect. Likewise “seen” is a past tense of “to see,” and yet it wasn’t the correct past tense.

If you’ve read this far, you probably already agree with me, so there’s nothing more to say about it. Keep up the good work. To all the rest of you (the minority who don’t agree but did read this far), I’d encourage you to make a well-thought-out argument in favor of misusing words in order to communicate more effectively, but I honestly doubt I’d read it. Maybe for a laugh, but I’d probably just end up with a raging headache.

After I wrote this blog, I did a quick Google search for "irregardless dictionary" since I once found a dictionary of stupid English (paraphrasing). I thought I'd link it here. Instead I came across a Grammar Girl article (Grammar Girl is a really good resource for when you're trying to remember the rules for things like lay vs. lie etc.) about regardless vs. irregardless. So I'm linking it instead. She just set my mind at ease about why irregardless is in some dictionaries. Phew! I can sleep again.

"You Let Cordy Play in the Lion's Cage..."

“… and she got hurt. I’m very upset with you.”

I can’t blame her. What was I thinking, letting my almost-three-year-old play in a lion cage? I must be a terrible father.

And yet, I have to probe a little deeper. Since this happened in a dream, I have to ask why she dreamed about me being a terrible father. Does she think I’m a terrible father? Or was this just a simple case of random synapses firing in her stressed brainpan?

“I was in jail so I wasn’t with you when it happened. I don’t know exactly how she got hurt.”

Well, think I, at least she’s dreaming that she’s a less-than-perfect parent, too.

***

This brings me to what I was originally going to post about the other day, and ended up sidetracked:

When I come home at night - or if I’m home and Tammy comes home with Cordelia - and the first thing I hear as the door opens is “Daddy? Daaaaddy…” it wraps my heart in a warm towel. Fresh-from-the-drier warm.

She laughs at my stupidest jokes. My silliest faces. My goofiest attempts at being entertaining. Stuff that would make another adult roll their eyes, or just walk away in irritation make my little girl laugh and giggle. Sometimes it is the greatest feeling in the world, knowing that even though I’m no comedian, my daughter thinks I am. Sometimes, however, I get neurotic about it and wonder if I’m giving her a bad example, instructing her on how to be funny, but doing it in a way that will get her shunned from the society of other children, her peers as she grows up.

And then I shrug it off. I can only be who I am, and if that ruins her, so be it. At least she’ll know that her daddy loved her and spent enough time with her to destroy her socially. It sure beats the alternative. Besides, if the only laughs I’m ever going to get come from my daughter, age 2, then I had better take advantage of it while I can.

When she’s in trouble, even if I’m the one who is mad at her (especially if I’m the one) she puts on her sad face and opens her arms and asks for a hug. Of course, I never deny her any hugs – I need them, too. The hugs are important, I think, even when she’s in trouble, so she knows she’s still loved and she has simply done something that was inappropriate or unacceptable (example: She likes to get a mouthful of water/juice/milk/etc. and spit it on the floor in fun and interesting patterns. I certainly don’t want to stifle her creativity, but the laminate floor isn’t water-proof, easy or cheap to replace, and frankly, the behavior is kind of gross).

But I’m her daddy, and she picks me over Tammy 80% of the time. It makes me feel good, and sad at the same time. Tammy is a good mom and deserves more than 20%. I suppose in time she’ll get more. Girls seem to gravitate towards moms as they get older and realize that dads are just dumb boys like all the rest.

The Evoloution of Tard Into Man

This may come as a shock to most of you, but I have not always been the congenial, adorable, wonderful guy you all know and love. I used to be a shy, awkward, goofy (looks and behavior) kid who had a hard time making friends, and a harder time keeping them. When I did make and keep friends, it was more of a testament to them and their congenial wonderfulness than to anything I may have said or done.

That said, I was never entirely convinced I was ever going to meet a girl who would be able to stand being around me long enough or consistently enough that she’d ever be able to love me enough to marry me. On my mission I learned a lot about interpersonal relationships and learned to modify my behavior around human beings so that I became less awkward and more “normal”(ish), which is one of the many blessings I received as a missionary.

I started dating not long after I got home from my mission, and even had long-ish-term relationships that I thought would eventually lead somewhere eternal. I was 21 when I had my first kiss. That relationship didn’t last (5 months). I was 23 when I had my second. Also didn’t last (1 week, give or take). I was 27 when I had my third kiss. That relationship lasted off-and-on for the better part of 18 months, and was a very positive time in my life for growing and understanding how boys and girls interact emotionally and spiritually. After that break-up, I was much more confident and capable when it came to dating, and though I did get into one more extended-but-failed relationship, I was finally ready to meet that special someone who wouldn’t have to put up with a complete tard in order for us to work out.

Let me make a clarification: 1^st kiss vs. 2^nd kiss = I did kiss each of these girls more than once. The so-called “second kiss” is a way of stating it was the second girl I’d kissed… not that it makes much difference when there were 2+ years between them.

When I was almost 30 years old, I met Tammy. I was 30 before we went on our first date. I immediately felt a connection with her that was different from anything else I had ever experienced. Within 3 or 4 dates, I had a sneaking suspicion that I was going to marry her. That thought frightened me for a number of reasons:

• I had often felt that way about girls I'd dated before
• I barely knewy her or anything about her
• I wasn't in love with her, or even sure how deep my crush on her was
• I didn't know how she felt about me
• We hadn't even kissed yet
• I still had a huge crush on the last girl I'd been seeing

And yet, something about this girl had convinced me that I was going to marry her.

I found out later that she had felt the same thing about me, and she had been just as frightened for many of the same reasons (though I really don’t think she had a crush on the last girl I’d been seeing).

I started this blog because I was going to relate a completely different story, but that story needed some background. Thus the blog evolved into a story about meeting Tammy and, as is the apparent custom at this time of year, I find myself expressing gratitude for her and for the Lord who guided me along my path, through my awkward years and led me to meet people who gave me opportunities for growth and self-discovery so that I would be ready to meet Tammy (who was just about to graduate college when I met her) just as she became available. If I had been ready any sooner, she would have been too young or away at school, and we would possibly have never met.

My wife is way too good for me, and yet she’s just exactly right for me. I love her and am grateful for her extremely undeserved patience with me. She keeps me grounded and, frustrating as that is for me sometimes, this keeps me happy over all.

One final observation: I am on good or better terms with every girl I ever dated. This helps support my belief that meeting them, even dating them, was the will of God. And strengthens my gratitude to him and to them.

I’ll most likely write the post I originally intended within the next day or so, but if not: Happy Thanksgiving!

Customer Service - Shouldn't It Extend to Job Applicants?

For a little over a year, now, I’ve been casually looking for a new, better-paying, better-benefits-offering, better-hours-giving job. Due to some very specific circumstances that job search has become less-casual and more frantic over the past month.

Tammy has also been on the prowl for better employment for a little over a year.

During this period of job-hunting we’ve made some observations that I want to share: Potential employers don’t care. The people handling applications need to receive some training from the company Public Relations and/or Marketing Departments.

Here’s what they are forgetting: As a prospective employee, I am also a potential customer. This doesn’t mean you have to hire me, it doesn’t mean you even have to interview me. But in today’s hi-tech world of online job applications, it does mean that you, as a business, should at least have the customer-friendly courtesy to provide a minimal response to applicants. An automated email stating “Thank you for your application, it will be reviewed within [a given amount of time], at which point we will contact you. If we feel that your application meets our needs, and if the position is still open at that time, we will schedule an interview.”

And then, once the application has been processed, if they aren’t interested it is not a difficult process to set up an automated email that says nothing more than: “Thank you for your interest in [such and such a position] with our company. Unfortunately, we are unable to schedule you for an interview at this time due to the position having already been filled, your qualifications are not exactly what we are looking for, or due to unforeseen circumstances, we are no longer able to fill the position as expected.”

Of course, this last option would need to be written better, but it could say basically the same thing. Maybe tack on a “We apologize for the form letter, however we hope you can imagine the necessity as we receive hundreds of applications every month, and to keep our costs low for our customers, we need to stream-line our services wherever possible.” And yes, this is probably not the best wording for the apology, either, but you get the point.

Having applied for dozens of jobs over the past 12-18 months, I believe that between the two of us, Tammy and I have received exactly four responses from potential employers letting us know that they were not interested. In Tammy’s case, she even had interviews (sometimes multiple interviews with the same employer) where the employer didn’t bother following up, in the end, to let her know they decided to go with somebody else.

In her case, as a math teacher, she’s not really a potential customer, since few (if any) of her applications were within our school district; however, in my case, all of my applications have been to businesses that I could potentially patronize. With very limited exceptions, I do have choices as to whether or not to use their services. Example: I’ve applied for jobs at Comcast, Dish Network, and DirecTV. Two of them responded to my applications. One of the responses was better than the other. Now, if we ever decide to get more than broadcast TV, I know which one of these companies will be my first choice, which will be my second. And that I’m least likely to consider Comcast.

< /soapbox >

The Parents' Dictionary - First Entry

Help - ful [help - fuhl]:

adj.

1. When children, having the best of intentions, behave in a manner that is both cute and obstructive.

While I was raking the leaves, my daughter helpfully picked leaves which had not yet fallen from the tree, in order to add them to the pile I was making.