Saturday, May 29, 2010

"I Can't Help It"

Usually I think the phrase "I can't help it" is a cop-out, an excuse, an admission of one's failure to take responsibility for one's actions. I put it in the same boat as "The devil made me do it," "I'm a product of my environment," and "It's my parents' fault."

However, last night I heard my three year old use this phrase in a way that initially irritated (the way it usually does), but then melted my heart into a warm puddle of joy.

I was sitting in my chair, changing the dressings on my foot. Cordelia, the curious beastling that she is, wanted to see the "owie." I showed it to her, and she said, "Hmm, it is black and red. That's weird."

As I started wrapping the gauze around my foot, I gasped at a slight twinge of pain. Cordelia said, "I'm sorry, daddy."

I smiled at her and said, "It isn't your fault, baby. You don't have to be sorry about that."

She shrugged and said, "I can't help it."

As I was in pain, and don't particularly like that phrase I scowled and said, "Can't help what, Cordy?"

She looked up at my face and, with unmistakable concern in her eyes, she replied, "I can't help your foot." My heart instantly softened... and then broke when the next words out of her mouth were: "I just love you, daddy."

I have been blessed with the most amazing child. I know other people feel the same way about their children, and I do not begrudge them that. However, as for me and my family, we know that our darling angel is the perfect addition to our home, and we never forget that. She is more wonderful that I ever feel deserving of.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Blessings in Disguise

When I first went out on the road, I was under the distinct impression that I’d be out for 3 weeks and then home for 3 days. This doesn’t sound very good at all, but it’s pretty standard for those just breaking into the field, it seems, so I accepted it and figured I could roll with this for the first little while.

After 6 weeks of training, I was promoted to company driver status, which meant I was finally going to get paid for what I was doing: ie, driving.

I drove for 2 more weeks and finally got to go home. For two days. Ok, so 3 weeks out = 3 days home, 2 weeks out = 2 days home. Sounds pretty… ahem… good. But I’d been out 8 weeks. Oh well, I needed the money.

So going back out, I was given the opportunity to drive a dedicated route from Ogden, Utah to Paris, Texas. 1316 miles each way, paid at a whopping $0.21 per mile… in a perfect week I could expect to bring home over $800 per week. Sweet money. In the real world, I would be lucky to break $700 in a week, but still, not bad money.

I was told 3 weeks out, 3 days home. Actually, I was told “21 days out, followed by 3 days home.” So, having been given such a specific time-frame, my co-driver and I figured the 21 days were set in stone, so we’d be guaranteed home time.

On day 20 it didn’t look like we were anywhere near getting home by “tomorrow,” so we asked specifically if we still needed to request the time, or was it built in? We were told we had to request it at least 10 days in advance.

Bugger.

So I requested my home time. A week later, our dispatcher got a new job, and we got a new dispatcher. Just a couple of days after that, my co-driver decided to buy a truck with a buddy of his, and got off my truck. Leaving me solo again, and with a new dispatcher.

2 days before I was scheduled to be home, I was speaking with my dispatcher and the subject of my home time came up. He said he had nothing in his files about me having any scheduled home time, but since I’d been out 4 weeks (at that point), he would make sure I got home by Saturday (only a day later than I had requested). That was very kind of him, really.

So I got home Saturday night… my home time officially started Sunday… and despite 5 weeks out, was only going to be 3 days at home.

Monday I had a doctor’s appointment to check up on a bone problem that I have had in my left foot since I was about 14 years old (I had surgery back then, and ever since I’ve had some pain… the past few years the pain has been intensifying, and the past week or so has been excruciating).

I saw Dr. Young Monday morning. He took x-rays and reviewed an MRI that I had done last August. He determined that the bone needed to be biopsied and possibly removed. He considered the matter urgent, and scheduled me for an operation the following day.

My 3 days at home suddenly became a medically necessary 2 weeks.

Money is going to dry completely up. But the severe depression being away from home was putting me through is gone. My foot hurts from the surgery WAY more than it ever did from the simple pain of whatever was wrong with it… and yet it is totally worth being able to see my little girl, hold my wife, eat home-cooked meals, and simply to be in my house.

Now I have time to look for a different, hopefully better, job with more steady home-time, possibly even daily home time. Like a normal person.

Even if not, this time at home was needed desperately. By me. By my wife. And for my little angel, who was missing her daddy as much as he was missing her.

I thank God from the depths of my soul for this blessing.